For three long years, she lived alone. Away from friends, family and herself… On some days she met people. Colleagues, friends on rare weekends and family on more rare ones. She’d always wanted to live on her own. To experience the taste of independence. She’d found out so much about herself and life altogether. She even made friends with nature, craft, art, anxiety & depression. Some days were amazing, full of light but on some days, darkness never stopped.
She tried damn hard to fight with her inner demons, with loneliness and with herself, but mostly it never worked. Then, she started to journal her thoughts, her dark feelings and how much she hated living alone. Though, she couldn’t talk about it with anyone. Because whenever she met someone, they all used to say the same thing, “Wow!! You live alone? That’s awesome man!”… No it’s not. After a point, it’s the worst thing ever.
Things got better after two years. Depression was kind of over but anxiety was at its peak. Anxiety attacks were as frequent as salon visits. But she kept quiet, put a smile on her face, everyday. No one knew what she was going through. No one knows. She just wrote in her diary. Sometimes talked to her best friends, who helped her through it.
Whenever her parents used to visit, she never mentioned her battles of the heart, soul and mind. Inspite of having such amazing people in her life, she just couldn’t talk about it! She used laugh with people, who laughed at her because she felt bad for living alone. “You are sad, cause you live alone? That’s not a reason to be depressed, you’re just overthinking.”
Nobody knows what it feels like, until it happens with them. Loneliness can do the worst things to a person, tree or an animal. If you plant a tree in an isolated field without any other trees or plants, it’ll die. If you leave a dog alone in the park, it’ll go crazy and so will a human. And on most days, she did die and then lived the next.
It was the beginning of the year 2020 and she was alright. She moved in with her parents in April. She was thrilled that she didn’t have to live alone anymore. She didn’t have to worry about dying from some imaginary disease. She could just sleep all day now. This went on or five months. She was extremely content and happy for living with her parents.
One day, her parents had to go out of town for a few days but she didn’t want to go. She thought, this could be a nice chance to recharge my ‘loner’ self. She wanted to live alone. Because whenever she’d go to another city, she needs to be prepared for it. So her parents left and she was occupied in work. Until afternoon, she didn’t do much. She felt this heaviness in her head. It wasn’t a headache. But the head was drowning, it felt like.
As being a self-aware human, she tried contemplating the reasons behind it. Less sleep – Yes. Eyes Strain- Yes. Too much brain work- Yes. All these reasons are totally normal to feel heavy-headed. But her conclusion was this – I feel this uneasiness – not just in my head but in my whole body. I don’t feel like doing anything. I feel tired and uncomfortable. This is all because after living alone for three long years, I had the best time last five months and now I am alone again. It’s all the side-effect of loneliness… It has creeped in once again, within a few hours of activation!
All she can think now is, how dangerous it is that as much she hates living alone, but loves living with parents but hates living with anyone else but her parents, she’s doomed forever!