I could still hear the cheer. I could still feel the lights on my face. I could still smile at the possibility. I could still be a Rockstar! This was my another life. A life un-lived.
I still sing sometimes, but that passion is missing now. The soul lacks in transferring the sound waves through a listener’s heart. It could only reach to an ear or two. People could still praise me for the voice I have & the songs I sing. But they would never praise me for it touched their soul. Because I knew, it didn’t have the soul anymore. A soul for a soul, remember? If you don’t give a soul, you won’t connect to a soul either.
No matter how much you want it. No matter how much work you want to give into it, so that you can fill up the years you’ve lost without it, nothing will ever be enough. Nothing will ever fill up the void in your heart.
The emptiness I feel when I see someone perform on stage. That heart ache I feel every time someone tells me they’re a singer. That voice in my head that tells me, “I could’ve done it better”. It never goes away. It’s constant knock annoys me sometimes, but mostly, reminds me of what could’ve been!
Then, reality creeps in and all I’m left with, are tears and regret, sometimes guilt too. “What if, have I worked harder or stayed focused, or the passion wouldn’t have been lost?”
No, that doesn’t matter now.
I have a broken dream, that I can live, every time I close my eyes.
It’s not your fault, that the first time I met you, I doubted your intentions. The world has made me like that. Though, when I got to know you, you were a delight and a charmer. You made me laugh, you laughed at my jokes too! You shared your thoughts and really listened to mine.
I support the notion “Not All Men” , because of YOU. You never made me feel unsafe or insecure. Instead, You made sure, I was comfortable. Because you really meant it, when you said that I am your friend, your sister or your lover. Until,
I met the toxic ones along the way. Yet, I trusted them, because I always thought they’d all be like you. But here again, “Not All Men”. So ,they were manipulative, scary and desperate. Not for my love, but for my body.
They don’t exist to me anymore. Because I have more of you in my life and I am grateful for that. When I know I am a feminist, I also know, that YOU respect not just Women, But Everyone. And I respect you for that.
We never talk about gender equality, even when you call me bro, buddy, & babe, because I call you the same too. It’s not the WORDS that make us equal, but it’s our actions. I never had to tell you, that you’re being biased, because you chose ME as your Equal.
I understand, it’s hard for you too, to find a place for yourself, and to make people NOT misunderstand you. I understand, that you feel trapped in this battle of patriarchy and equality. In spite of the fact, that you just care about humanity. But You need to understand that for US, it’s a never ending battle too.
The only thing Me & You can do, is to keep doing what we do and do it better everyday. Let’s remain friends, equals and competitors.
I know, we don’t feel so beautiful everyday, all the time. We feel lost most of the times. We feel like, we need someone, but we’re way too crazy, weird, anxious, moody & intolerable to actually be with someone. So we drop the thought. The ones who do have someone, I understand when you find yourself looking for YOUR space, but you know you’ve found the right man. So it’s not really a problem.
I know we have skin problems, hair problems, PMS, body image issues, insecurities that only WE know. But We fight everyday , because we’re stronger than those negativities. I know we’re sad and broken and deep down we feel, we’ll never be happy or feel content, but we don’t let it get to our head. Because we know we deserve to be happy and we work to attain it. Everyday.
I know, when we see so many beautiful photographs & videos of beautiful women embracing their weaknesses and strengths, we feel bad, because we aren’t doing the same.
We feel betrayed by ourselves.
I know, when we want to do so many things we feel overwhelmed and eventually do nothing at all. Then, blame ourselves later.
I know, when we look in the mirror, we only see the wrongs on our faces. The scars, the spots ,the acne, the distorted nose, the uneven skin.
What are we actually seeing?
We’re seeing the society standards of a Beautiful Woman. We’re looking for social acceptance. We’re seeing social levels of a perfect skin and every other feature.
What are we NOT seeing??
We don’t see ourselves as OUR SOCIAL STANDARD OF BEAUTIFUL. Next Time, see yourself as YOURSELF. You’re insecure but You’re Your Own Beauty.
Disclaimer: I am not motivating you to waste your time and be sad about it later. I am telling you to take a break. Basically, I am telling you to waste your time in a more decent way, where you also learn things. I don’t know, keep reading .
Let’s get straight to the point. Who doesn’t like to just lie down, watch movies, read books and eat, sleep, repeat? Yet, our brain is trained to be productive. Our brain is active even when we’re asleep! Talk about being a workaholic! But we must not compete with the brain but with the zeal of it. Being a creative person is exhausting as it is. On top of that is being humongously productive! How can we cope with both, all the time! We need a break. A break to break the cycle of stress and brain-drainage.
You can break the glass ceiling, only when you’ve broken stress!
I have been trying to punish myself by worrying about not being able to create anything. Not with words, music or my podcast. Nothing. You can say, I am lacking inspiration or I am not motivated enough, procrastinating more ecetera ecetera. Yet, I am not going to let you tell me that. Nor should you tell this to yourself. You’re having none of those. You just need a break.
With break, I don’t mean a vacation and ditching social media. Firstly, vacation is impossible, for who knows how long and secondly, I don’t believe in a social media detox. Because in my opinion, it’s quite stupid. Not being aware of what’s going on in the world, especially in 2020, is your lacking as a human being. So, social media is a great way to learn things. But if you still need a detox, may be you aren’t using it the right way.
With break, I mean – Mental Break. A break where you worry less, think less and don’t force yourself either. Basically, waste time but with dignity.
How do we waste time with dignity?
Wasting time often includes- Daydreaming, sleeping more than required, watching movies, scrolling down to social media most of the day, eating more because you’re bored and doing nothing. But wait, are you really wasting your time?
Daydreaming? It’s a part of creative process, so you’re actually working.
Sleeping more? You haven’t slept like that in a long time, you deserve longer naps.
Watching movies & everything else? You’re forming new perspectives, learning about new topics and so, you’re collecting content.
Social Media Scrolls? You’re staying updated. Period.
Eating More? That’s a human need.
Doing Nothing? Your brain is recharging for more work , whenever you’re ready.
Now, with adding some more things, your wasting time becomes a power.
Reading- See, I know what you’re going to say! Reading is boring, it’s hard, I can’t concentrate blah blah blah!! Those are just excuses my friend. If you REALLY want to read, you’ll stop making excuses and start reading.
I read somewhere,
“If you don’t like reading, you just haven’t found the right book.”
Start finding the right book and read, sleep, eat, repeat.
Spending time with your heart- Meaning, do what makes you happy. Like for me, I read, sing, learn to play an instrument and spend time with friends and family (virtually). This makes me happy and the pressure of writing and creating becomes little. So, do what makes your heart sing.
Talk to more people- I have been talking to many new people on different social media platforms. Like the people, who I knew, but never got the chance to really know them. You know what it did? It made me more compassionate, empathetic and literally happy.
Because we’re all struggling with one thing or the other, it’s better to do it together. Right?
What happens when we waste time like that?
“That’s the POWER of wasting time. It just helps us realise what’s important and that even with all the toxicity in the world, there is so much more to life & we just need to live it right to feel it.”